Forget the baby duck slide, the Kentucky State Fair is all about food. The saltier, the fattier, the sweeter, the better. So we sent Drew "DJ Drewsky" Allingham, our workplace playlist coordinator and sometimes shipping department guru, to the Louisville fairgrounds this past weekend on an epic quest with one clear objective: EAT UNTIL YOU EXPLODE.
Why Drew? You wouldn't guess from looking at him, but he's earned a reputation around the Fun Mall, a warehouse stocked with its fair share of fatties (myself included), as a bottomless pit, a sexy little man who's relentlessly DTF.
Down. To. Feast.
Besides, after a solid week of packaging and shipping out thousands of t-shirt orders, I figured Drewsky deserved to be rewarded with a hot meal or ten. I only tagged along out of morbid (obesity) curiosity and to document his unnatural abilities.
Around 15,000 calories and $100 later, here are some highlights from our Kentucky State Fair food "diary". Or "diarrhea" might be more accurate.
12:05 P.M. – DOUBLE FISTING CORNDOGS
Thoughts: "At first I just wanted one corndog. But then the lady asked, 'Ketchup or mustard?' and I thought, 'Why not one of each?' A corndog for each paw."
Drew's Review: "The best damn corndogs I've ever eaten. Meat, bread, and handle. Twice. Not to mention the condiments were painted on with a brush which was a first for me. Full coverage without getting soggy. Very inspired."
Andrew Allingham, hedonistic glutton.
12:28 P.M. – HOT BROWN PIZZA
Thoughts: "The neon sign lead me to believe you could purchase an entire pizza, but the wait was too long. Luckily you could still order by the slice, so I wouldn't have to pass up this creative take on a Kentucky classic."
Drew's Review: "I had my doubts, but I was not disappointed. Nice and crunchy, cheesy, gooey. I could go for another slice."
12:55 P.M. – PORK BUTT ON A STICK
Thoughts: "I'm immediately attracted to any edible item with 'butt' in the title, so attach that to a stick and it's really a no-brainer."
Drew's Review: "The first downer of the day. A bit dry. And everybody knows I like my butt's juicy."
1:24 P.M. – FUNNEL CAKE SUNDAE
Thoughts: "I saw the face of God in this dessert, but it quickly melted away."
Drew's Review: "Delicious but hard to dissect. Could benefit from a sharp knife and maybe a Wet-Nap. Left my hands and face sticky, so I had to bathe myself in the Expo Center fountain. Didn't get any on my shirt, but left powdered sugar fingerprints on my pants."
2:06 P.M. – FOOTLONG CORNDOG
Thoughts: "Decided to save time this round by getting one extra-long corndog instead of two regular ones. While waiting in line I can feel myself hitting the wall."
Drew's Review: "Lacked the crisp outer crust of the first two, mustard had to be personally applied by hand pump (which was nearly empty). I've been spoiled by the paint-brushed dogs from earlier."
2:32 P.M. – COCO BONGO PIÑA COLADA
Thoughts: "A little sugar to counteract my skyrocketing sodium levels."
Drew's Review: "My heart's beating like a hummingbird. Not good."
3:01 P.M. – CHEESEBURGER
Thoughts: "This was a mistake."
Drew's Review: "Good by hospital cafeteria standards, but learn from my mistakes: You should never go to the fair for a cheeseburger. I was not thinking straight."
3:19 P.M. – LEMONADE
Thoughts: "Classic. Not to mention a good clean way to counteract scurvy."
Drew's Review: "The excess sugar added a nice crunch."
4:04 P.M. – PULLED PORK BBQ
Thoughts: "I don't really remember getting this."
Drew's Review: "Everything is bleeding together. Visited the bathroom. A guy in the stall next to me was vomiting. I am no longer hungry, but I feel like something is missing."
4:37 P.M. – SOFT SERVE VANILLA ICE CREAM
Thoughts: "I was just trying to fill in the cracks, but have instead passed through the wall. I am cold."
Drew's Review: "Tell my family I love them."*
*Drew did not die.