Derby time is a magical time. The weather is just right. Everyone’s dressed to the nines. There’s a palpable energy humming through the air. And all eyes are on the Bluegrass for the most exciting two minutes in sports.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could savor that special feeling for an eternity?
Hell yeah it would!
Introducing Derby Turds, the first in a Dixieland Preserves line of bizarro Southern resin encapsulations by Kentucky artist Coleman Larkin.
These gorgeous nuggets of digested Kentucky bluegrass and whatever else horses eat were daringly harvested by the artist himself, fresh from the haunches of legendary 1997 Kentucky Derby winner Silver Charm at Old Friends Farm in Georgetown, Ky.
Silver Charm, great-great-grandson of the famed War Admiral, also crapped all over the competition in the 1997 Preakness Stakes and placed at Belmont, narrowly missing the third jewel of the elusive Triple Crown. He is considered one of the Top 100 racehorses of the 20th century and, in 2007, he was inducted into the United States Racing Hall of Fame.
Now you can own a one-of-a-kind piece of Derby lore from this kickass old stud.
A laborious proprietary process sees that each of Silver Charm’s incomparable bowel movements is suspended in crystal clear epoxy resin inside a 16-ounce mason jar with all the care of a Southern mamaw putting up pickled corn for the winter.
“It’s a very long, very ridiculous procedure,” says Larkin. “The most difficult step is probably the one where I have to ask the type of people that own million-dollar Thoroughbreds if I can please have some horse turds to put in jars.”
The end result is a must-have object that blurs the line between art and novelty, built for the ages and to forever blow the minds of even the most jaded curiosity seekers.
“I personally guarantee they’ll last longer than you do,” says Larkin. “Even if I have to kill you myself.”
You NEED a Dixieland Preserves Derby Turd.
Silver Charm is an undisputed Southern superstar. His majestic, immortalized manure should be displayed in a place of honor. And it should be passed from generation to generation like the priceless and irreplaceable family heirloom that it is.
Put it on the mantle in your Old Kentucky Home and be whisked away to a sophisticated world of mint juleps and seersucker everytime you see it. Set one on your windowsill and let the sunlight sparkle upon this exquisite specimen of equine excrement. Or plop one in your fluorescent dungeon of an office as the perfect metaphor for your life of neverending horseshit.
No matter where it ends up, everyone will wonder at the awesome implausibility of this beautiful and miraculous relic.
Like the Derby itself, these turds won’t last long. Make sure you’re quick out of the gate and score yours before they sell out!
Did this post get you in the Derby mood? Read Hunter S. Thompson's famous essay,"The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved," and as always check out the KYforKY Shop for all your Kentucky t-shirt needs.